Things have got a little deep and serious around here, and I don’t like it very much. Every so often I get overwhelmed with life’s big questions – why am I here? what am I supposed to be doing? why is there so much tragedy in the world? what really matters? am I becoming the person I want to be? These questions have consumed my thoughts constantly for a couple of months and I’ve not been able to shake them off. Lots of things about myself suddenly feel frivolous and very ‘first world’, rather than real world. It’s been a new experience for me, and I’ve had to be really patient with myself.
Usually I can answer these questions quickly, and move on, but this time it has taken me a good few weeks to feel like myself again. I hate feeling melancholic, forcing a smile and absorbing negativity rather than bouncing it away – all three go against my natural disposition. A few tiny (and seemingly insignificant) experiences have helped me feel like myself again, and it comes down to people – little conversations, simple acts of kindness and people showing that they really care. I’ve been reminded that these are the things that really matter.
When you’re feeling melancholic – small people are the ideal remedy, and I have been especially grateful for mine over the last couple of months. For their smiles, their simplistic view of the world and the beauty that they constantly notice around them. My children are so different from one another, and I love them for completely different reasons – Win’s boundless positivity, Ru’s observant and sensitive nature and Otto’s sweet independence.
Sometimes as a parent I see glaring imperfections in myself that I know I need to address, and other times I am in awe at how brilliant my children think I am. Winston especially. I honestly believe that he thinks I can do anything…and isn’t that nice? It’s refreshing – even though I know it’s not true. I see the hope in his eyes as he shows me something that he wants to make, as he asks me a question or asks me for help. He has full confidence in me, and although someday he’ll realise that I can’t do everything – I do hope that he always knows that he can rely on me. The way that I rely on my mum for advice better than my own.
These little people really do think the world of us, and we should let them.